Futurama Porn Story: BiNonsensical Man – Chapter 3
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Chapter 3
I silently tiptoed into the bedroom of the Professor, who was back in his
room, sound asleep, just like he was for the past four days. I was about
to proceed into the open, until I abruptly stopped so Bender wouldn’t see
me.
“‘Your turn to watch over the Professor,’ they said! ‘No use arguing- ya
gotta refill his Life Box,’ they said! Nag nah nag nah nag! If they were
alcoholics, THEY’D understand. Or, could they?”
He opened the Box, poured some beer into it so it could still run, placed
the bottles beside the dresser drawers, stole the Professor’s wallet, and
left.
After that close call, I again tiptoed toward the bed and leaped onto his
tummy. My scheme, already in place, would soon be operational once I would
again alter his Life Box so he would die approximately an hour later than
that moment! And then, the most brilliant, not to mention ancient,
scientist on the planet would be no more! And I shall commence my OWN
operation- Operation: Take Over The Planet Earth! SUCH A CREATIVE NAME! I
WILL BE THE ULTIMATE RULER! HAHAHAHAHA! AND… SUCH! AND ALL IN ONE
HOUR!
Aw, heck with it- I’ll just kill him now.
Knock, knock! The door!
I dashed underneath the bed, but foolishly tipped over the rest of the beer
bottles! All the contents spilled over the Professor’s metal abdomen, and
were absorbed!
It was that obnoxious Nibbler, who must’ve heard the crash and came up to
investigate! I tried to conceal myself, but it was too late! Nibbler had
already notice my tail from under the bed! He looked at the spilt beer all
over the Professor, knew what was going on, and raced at me with vengeance!
A cat-and-dog fight ensued, with him winning unfortunately!
“Bender, what is all that racket up there?!” called Leela.
Nibbler was a very good fighter, but not good enough! We stopped in our
tracks when Leela, Amy, and Hermes rushed into the Professor’s room, just
in time to see him abruptly sit up from his bed like John Travolta in Face-
Off! They all gasped!
The Professor seemed to have no more control over his conscious mind!
Covered in alcohol, circuits sparking, and his eye beaming a strong deep
red, he was raving mad! Immediately, he acted like he was having a heart
attack and started shoving things off into the floor, like he did in the
garage!
“Leapin’ Louie! He’s bustin’ loose!” cried Hermes.
“Quick! To the ship!” Leela ordered.
Just then, the door hatch flew open, and Amy gasped. It was her parents!
“Oh no.”
“Amy!” yelled her Dad! “The city appears to be cwumbling fwom owa’
fingahs! A cweature dat wesembles Godzilla ees behind it! We have come to
tell you dat since it’s de end of de world, you must pick a suitable and
preferabwy tall, dawk and handsome young male cownta-part to fawda’
childwen wit RIGHT NOW!”
Her mom added, “We awso bwought you some of your favawit, embawassing
kwothes to wear!”
Amy started to breathe heavily! “Look! Mom, Dad, I am part of the crew
that’s about to SAVE this city! And the creature that’s destroying it is
our own Professor! If we don’t stop it now, just think! U-u-uh. EVERY
HANDSOME MALE IN TOWN WILL DIE!”
Her parents gasped! There appeared to be a lot of gasping in this story!
“Why, dat es tewwible! We must come wid you!”
“Uughghgh.,” Amy groaned.
Leela was again deadpan. “Are you done? Then. QUICK! TO THE SHIP!”
–
After one split second Batman-esque Planet Express Logo transition, the
Professor was rampaging around the city, through the window! The glass
debris splattered all over Nibbler and I. Nibbler stopped fighting me and
followed after the Professor, while I chased after him.
–
Fry and Bender were back on the couch watching TV, when the rest of the
crew raced through the living area to the ship. Leela halted and said to
them, “Guys! The Professor’s gone crazy! We have to stop him before he
runs ramped through New New York!”
“So? It isn’t as if it’s something we’re not prepared for! We stopped
Gozilla. We stopped the Blob. We even stopped meteorites, evil villains,
King Kong, that giant Pillsburry dude! This shouldn’t be anything
different!”
Bender replied, “Yeah, we’ll stay here and avoid the rush.”
“Guys, what do I have to do to get you off your sorry asses?! Put the
Professor on TV?!”
She stopped, grinned to herself, and raced over to the ship.
Just then, Zoidburg raced out of his office wearing an orange jumpsuit,
swimming flippers and holding a gas mask! “If du world is coming to an
end, dey can take my fish eggs, but dey will NEVER take. my FREEDOM!” He
put on his gas mask, and followed the rest of the crew.
–
Nibbler was hot on the trail of the Professor, who was currently doing just
what Leela had feared: running ramped through the streets of New New York!
He wasn’t doing it deliberately- he was convulsing in response to his near-
death experience! But the people were screaming, the buildings where
crashing, the aliens were cheering, the robots were praying to the Robot
God, and the sky was a deep orange with red clouds for pure effect and had
no relevance to logics of meteorology whatsoever!
–
Something was wrong with the ship! It wouldn’t start.
Leela tried the second engine. “Still no good! It can’t operate without
the first engine!”
Amy replied, “Why don’t you try the third engine? .now that we’re certain
it wouldn’t hurt.” She then raced to the engine room and told her,
“There’s the problem! We’re out of fuel!”
“Sigh. if only Nibbler was here.”
“Where is he, anyway?”
–
The correspondent Linda spoke live on location covering the sudden havoc
that erupted across the city. “No one knows where this android came from
or what its purpose is, but we’ve recently received information from a Dr.
Wurnstrom that he resembles his still arch rival, Professor Hubert J.
Farnsworth, who just a couple years ago, had taken the confiscated Mad
Scientist Award from Wurmstrom after the public became aware that he was a
jackass. Back to you, Morbo.”
Fry and Bender gasped.
“Holy Harryhausen, Bender! That’s the Professor! He’s wrecking havoc
among the city of New New York, just like the Blob, and that. that giant
Pillsburry dude!”
“Well, YEAH! That’s what Leela said, isn’t it?”
“TO THE PLANET EXPRESS-MOBILE!”
They both pealed themselves off from the couch and raced into the ship,
where Leela was still trying to figure out what to do next.
“I have a bad feeling about this, Amy.”
“Are you sure it isn’t that carbonated beverage we drank for lunch?”
“We need real help, and fast!”
Fry and Bender entered the ship’s main room. Leela stared, “Great, now I
have a bad feeling about this AND that!”
Fry spoke confidently, “We’re here to HELP!”
“Yeah, AND FAST!” added Bender.
She sighed again. “The ship is out of fuel and we need his dark matter to
refill it! Have any of you seen Nibbler?”
Fry said, “I haven’t seen much of anything today except flickering light.
In fact, my legs are cramped from all that walking.” He then collapsed
without lifting a muscle, with a deadpan expression stuck on his face.
“Okay, you two. The first REAL thing you’re going to do today is THINK!
How do you suppose we stop him and what seemed to be causing his sudden
behavior?”
Bender said, “Well, getting surgery WAS a big risk. I mean, people have
only been using that kind of technology for four decades!”
“Wait!” came Fry’s voice from the floor. “I have an idea!”
“Careful, Fleshwad. If the Professor were here to hear that, he’d die of
shock.”
“I saw how they defeated a monster in this movie once! Instead of using
weaponry like Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd, they used sympathetic reminders
of what he used to be like BEFORE he became a machine! If we can somehow
reach the Professor, remind him of his long life and how happy he was,
leaving out all the bad parts, he’d possibly snap to attention and walk
back to the Planet Express!”
“But we still haven’t found an alternative to how we reach him! And
besides, you can imagine how hard it would be to leave out all the bad
parts!” replied Leela.
Just then, Zoidburg entered the room with the other four, carrying two
familiar animals. “Captain, I have caught dese two fugitives trying to
escape under your noses!”
“NIBBLER! Oh, what great timing!” she quailed! “Can you excrete dark
matter for us to use as fuel?”
Nibbler squeaked something undistinguishable.
“Oh, sorry, guys. He can’t do his duty until he’s had something to eat.
But what?”
Bender replied, “How about Fido here?”
WHAT?! How DARE they use me to help them save the day!!! I was growing
impatient, so I used my powers to restore myself into my original form! Ha
ha ha! You should’ve seen the looks on their faces when I rose up from the
ground and gave each of them a menacing grin!
(gulp!)
–
Hello, Fleshwads.
Well, I might as well tell all you saps out there the rest of the story,
huh? Okay, keep your pants on- here goes Bender!
The Professor eventually earned enough money to get another surgery to get
his original body parts back. He’s still healing, but says that he learned
something! Can you believe it?! The guy never takes a break! It sickens
me! He says he learned that it doesn’t matter how old he becomes when he
dies- he learned to live life as long as he has it! You humans only have
one short life, so use it wisely. Fortunately for me, I’ll NEVER die, so I
can be lazy whenever I want and rub it all in your faces!
Hold on one sec, as I finish my beer here.
Okay, Fry made a promise to Leela that he’d make an effort to watch less
TV! Yeah right! Fry and TV are like Blurmsball and Common Sense!
And Leela forgave Nibbler for not listening to him when he was trying to
tell her of Fido’s true identity, and said that he’s the only pet for her.
Now if you’ll excuse Mio, Bender needs to wash out his mouth for tellin’
you the Crappy Happy Ending! I don’t know about you, but I like those
episodes that have Sad Endings, like the Titanic one, where I lost my true
love in a black hole and discovered that the necklace she gave me was fake!
And how does Bender know about these episodes, you ask? Well, have you
21st Century geeks heard of the Reality TV Channel yet?
Just kiddin’! The truth about that is it’s a whole ‘nother story! Okay,
get outta’ here!
(Roll credits)