Futurama Porn Story: The Trouble With Time – Chapter 1

I
wrote most of this a few years ago, then abandoned it, planning to
write an ending and re-write the whole thing as prose. I did the
ending, but I decided I quite liked it as it was. I hope you enjoy
it, please leave a review.
I don’t own any futurama characters

The
Trouble With Time

Sun
just coming up. Fry and Bender are walking down the street. There are
not many cars or people around.

Fry:
Cant we just go to work? Im sure youve got some beers
there.
Bender: I drank them all yesterday. Quit worrying Fry,
theyre not going to go without us.
Fry: Were already a half
hour late, theyve probably already gone
Bender: Then a few more
minutes wont make any difference

They
walk on for a few seconds and pass a bar with a neon sign saying
open 7am-5am every day

Fry:
Too bad its five after five.

They
walk on a bit longer

Fry:
Look, Bender, theres no way were going to find anywhere open at
this time in the morning. Lets just go to work and see if theres
anything there.
Bender: OK, but I dont see what youre so
bothered about, you hated the moon last time we went.
Fry: Yeah,
but I kinda want to go again now I know what to expect. Plus I want
to find Neil Armstrongs footprints again
Bender: If we miss it
its their fault anyway, who wants to go at this time in the
morning anyway?
Fry: Me, theyre opening a new ride, I want to
be the first one to have a go!

Bender
shrugs and they turn around and go back the way they were going. A
little further down the road we see another bar that they would have
reached if they had carried on walking. Above the door it says open
all day

Fry
and Bender arrive at work

Bender:
Were here, losers!

There
is no answer. Bender sits down and opens a can of beer. Fry looks
like hes about to say something about making them go all over
looking for a bar when he had some cans, but he doesnt. Fry goes
into the other room to look for Leela and everyone else.

Fry:
Anyone still here? Aww man! This is typical. They must have gone to
the moon to ride the new ride and left us behind because we were
late.
Bender: (o/s) Theyve left us a note. Gone to the moon
to ride the new ride. Left you behind because you were late

Fry
goes back into the room Benders in.

Fry:
This sucks! They could have waited, they know how much I wanted to
go
Bender: Yeah we were only an hour and a half late without
calling.
Fry: Some friends they are. Yknow, its times like
this I miss my old friends back in the 20th century.
Bender: Your
old friends? You had friends before you met us?
Fry: (nods) Of
course I did.
Bender: And you miss them even though Im
here?
Fry: (nods again) Sometimes. But theyre all dead now, so
I might as well forget about them.
Bender: You sure theyre
dead?
Fry: Unless they were frozen or lived for a thousand years,
yeah.
Bender: Or had their heads preserved in jars

Fry
looks at Bender for a moment then turns around and runs out the door

Bender:
where are you going?!
Fry: The head museum

At
the head museum, Fry and Bender and walking around, Fry is looking at
all the heads trying to find a familiar face.

Bender:
This is pointless. Youll never find anyone you know like this,
itll take forever. Besides in your time only successful people got
their heads preserved in jars, how many of your friends would you
call successful?
Fry: They might have gotten successful after I
was frozen. I had a few friends who wanted to be rock stars. Maybe
they made it.
Bender: Theres an easier way to do this.
(shouting) OK heads, listen up! My buddy and I are looking for anyone
who know a loser delivery boy called Fry at the end of the 20th
century.

There
is no answer.

Bender:
No one? OK, lets go skinbag.
Fry: I wasnt a loser.

Fry
and Bender start to leave when a voice shouts from a bottom shelf.

Voice:
Not Philip Fry? The pizza delivery boy?
Fry: (excited) Yeah! Yeah,
thats me! Where are you?
Voice: Down here.

Fry
goes to where the voice came from and picks us a dusty jar. He wipes
the dust off with his sleeve and inside there is an oldish man, about
50 with grey hair and a few wrinkles.

Man:
It is you! How did you manage to live so long?
Fry: I was frozen
for 1000 years. UmI dont remember you, sorry. Did I work for
you or something?
Man: Its me, Mike
Fry: (Peering at the
head) You look vaguely familiar but
Mike: Mike Clarke? We were
at high school together?

Fry
recognises the head

Fry:
No way! Youve changed since I last saw you.
Bender: You know
this guy? I didnt think youd actually find anyone you know
here.
Fry: Yeah, Mike was a friend of mine in high school. He was
voted least likely to succeed. So what have you been up to these last
thousand years?
Mike: I started my own business when I graduated
from college. It made computers and software. I was a millionaire by
the time I was 25. I just had to prove you guys wrong by succeeding.
Fry: Hm, I wish Id been voted least likely to succeed!

Back
at work Fry is talking to Mike, while Bender sits and watches. As the
conversation continues, Bender looks more and more irritated at Mike.

Mike:
So how did you end up frozen?
Fry: Oh, an accident. I fell into
one of the capsules when I went to deliver a pizza there. It was a
crank call too.
Mike: Well you chose the best way into the future,
being a head in a jar is OK for the first few decades, but then it
gets really boring
Fry: Whyd you do it anyway?
Mike: I was
stupid, I wanted to live forever. But for nearly 1000 years Ive
been trying to find someone who can stop me from making such a stupid
decision.
Fry: Umm, isnt it a little late for that?
Bender:
Sure is! The guys a loon Fry, lets go do something else.
Mike:
No, its never too late. Not when youve got a time machine.
Fry:
(very interested) Youve got a time machine? As in a machine to
travel through time?
Mike: Well, no. But I have got the plans to
make one.
Fry: You mean I could build a time machine?
Mike: You
probably couldnt, but maybe someone else could.
Fry: (annoyed)
what do you mean I couldnt?
Mike: Well I havent seen you for
a millennium, but you were never a fan of engineering at school. The
plans are in a safe at my old house in Old New York
Fry: This is
so cool, Im going to build a time machine!

A
few days later, the whole gang is sitting around the table. Mike is
on the table. The professor is looking at the plans.

PF:
In theory I believe this could actually work
Mike: Or course it
could, I designed it myself, back in 2025.
Fry: Are you going to
build it?!
PF: Oh my, yes. Building this could certainly turn a
few of my fellow researches green with envy. And it looks so simple
too.
Mike: Remember, the only reason I gave you this is so you can
stop me from preserving my head in a jar for 1000 years
Bender:
Yeah yeah. I volunteer Fry to go to another planet until this whole
thing is over.
Fry: What?! Why would I do that?
Bender: Oh, no
reason. Just for something to do. This time travel stuff looks pretty
boring to me. Ill go with you if you want.
Leela: I think
Bender is worried that if you go into the past, you might not come
back again.
Fry: Really Bender?
Bender: Nowell yeah.. But
no. You were saying you missed your 20th century buddies though.
Fry:
Not as much as Id miss you guys if I stayed there.
Leela: Aww,
thats sweet.

Fry
blushes

PF:
Lets get started then

A
few weeks later. Everyone stood around a silly looking time machine.
It is a quite big grey metal cube with a door at one side and some
lights flashing around the edges.

Bender:
Wow, so this thing will actually travel in time?
PF: If Mr.
Clarks calculations are correct. I followed his plans
exactly.
Fry: (trying to open the door) Can I go now?
PF: I
believe so. Everybody in!

Everyone
heads for the door at the same time

Fry:
Hold on everyone, we cant all go.
Bender: Why not? Its
plenty big enough
Fry: Because Leela and Zoidberg are aliens and
youre a robot.
Zoidberg: I want to see the 21st century!
Bender: We could wear disguises
Fry: (thinks for a moment) OK,
but youll probably have to do a lot of hiding in the time
machine.
Leela: Im not sure I want to go
Amy: Cmon
Leela, itll be fun
Leela: Ive got some stuff I really should
be doing.
Fry: Leela, its a time machine. We can arrive back
before we leave if you want and youll have even more time.
Leela:
(defeated) all right then
Fry: Great! In we go.

Everyone
gets into the time machine except the professor and Hermes.

Fry:
You guys not coming?
PF: Oh my, no. Time travel is very dangerous.
The thing might explode.
Hermes: I prefer to stay in my own time
thanks mon.

The
door closes

Leela:
(quietly) Now why didnt I just say something like that?
Fry:
So, when too?

Amy:
2342!
Bender: 2701!
Zoidberg: Last Tuesday!
Fry: Weve
got to go to before Mike preserves his headI guess Ill choose
the date.
Leela: How about just after you were frozen. The world
will be similar to how you left it
Fry: Great!

Fry
types in 12/31/00 onto a number pad and the numbers appear in huge
red digital clock style on the wall.

Fry:
One year after I was frozen

He
goes to hit a button saying initialize but Leela stops him

Leela:
Wait, we were going to get disguises
Bender: Ive got one (pulls
out his gorilla mask from the episode with Frys ex)
Amy: Did
they have gorillas wondering around New York 1000 years ago?
Fry:
No, but Benders given me a idea

Fry
changes the date to 10/31/00

Amy:
2 months earlier? What difference does that make?
Fry: Halloween!

Amy
still looks puzzled, so does everyone else.

Fry:
You guys dont do Halloween? Well, youll see.

Fry
hits the button and everything starts swirling around, getting more
and more blurred until it all disappears. Then it starts to
materialise again, showing everyone except Bender passed out on the
floor.

Bender
is finishing off a can of beer and everyone else is laying on the
floor. The gang comes too and starts looking around, puzzled.

Amy:
What happened?
Bender: I think were there. Get up everyone, I
want to explore.

Bender
puts on his mask and heads to the door. Everyone groggily gets up and
follows him. The door opens slowly. As it does Fry can hardly contain
his excitement. He is practically jumping oupand down. When the door
is fully open everyone piles out of the time machine and Leela
presses a button on a remote control that makes the time machine
invisible.

Fry:
Wow, I didnt know it could do that!
Amy: So, Fry, are you going
to show us around?
Fry: Sure, this way!

The
time machine has landed on the sidewalk in a deserted looking part of
New York, but Fry seems sure of where he is going. It is quite early,
about 9 am. There is the sound of cars not too far away.

Leela:
Fry, disguises
Fry: Dont worry about it, its Halloween,
everyonell be dressing up tonight.
Zoidberg: Its the
daytime
Fry: Yeah, I didnt think of that when I thought of
this. It anyone asks, you couldnt wait to get your costumes on.
Cmon, I want to show you around.

It
is a little later, everyone is sat in a McDonalds or some similar
fast food place eating burgers and fries, except Bender, who is
downing beer.

Amy:
So this is old New York. Its different to how I imagined.
Fry:
Howd you imagine it?
Amy: I dont know. Its as dirty as I
thought, the people are as rude. I guess its just different to New
New York.
Leela: I thought thered be a museum, or something.
All youve shown us is bars and fast food joints.
Zoidberg: And
that green bit.
Fry: Yeah, I showed you Central Park
Bender:
You pointed at it from across town.
Fry: Yeah. And there are
museums somewhere. I just thought everyone would prefer the
interesting things.

Everyone
nods in agreement.

Fry:
See.
Someone: Fry!

Everyone
turns around looking for where the voice came from. There is a man
about Frys age dressed in a uniform of the restaurant they are in,
waving frantically at Fry.

Fry:
Jimmy?

Jimmy
runs over to their table

Jimmy:
Hey, it is you man! I wasnt sure. Whereve you been for the past
few months?
Leela: (whispering) Think fast Fry.
Fry: OhI had
to leave town. Had somestuff to do.
Jimmy: When you disappeared
we all wondered where youd gone. Dan thought youd got a huge
new years tip and ran off to spend it. Did you?
Fry: Ahno.
didnt even get a little tip. It was a crank call.
Jimmy:
Bummer, I hated those. Now Ive moved up in the world. I serve the
food here, dont even have to leave to deliver an order.
Fry:
Thats great. Im still doing deliveries.
Jimmy: So, like
whats going on here? Early Halloween party?
Fry: Yeah. (points
to Bender) This is Beum, Ben, (points to Leela) Leela, (points to
Zoidberg) Zack, (points to Amy) and Amy.
Jimmy: Great costumes you
three
Leela/Bender: Thanks
Zoidberg: I made it myself.
Jimmy:
Well, Im on duty so Id best get back to work. You lot should
come to Louies party tonight though. Everyones gonna love those
costumes, and you can tell us what youve been up while youve
been away.
Fry: Great. Ill try my best. Got some stuff to do
tonight though. Thats why were having the party now.
Jimmy:
OK, well you know where he lives, he hasnt moved. And if you dont
come, send me your address sometime.
Fry: Sure.

Jimmy
wonders off back to behind the counter. Fry is sitting back grinning.

Fry:
Its great to see an old friend again. We can go to the party,
right?
Leela: I suppose so, as long as we warn your other friend
first.
Fry: Right. So if you want to go find a museum or
something, Ill warn him and we can meet up later for the party.
Amyd best get a costume too if she can find one, its a bit late
though. There might not be any left.
Leela: We meet here at half
past 4.
Fry: Deal.

Leela,
Amy and Zoidberg leave together to find a museum. Fry and Bender sit
for a few seconds then they get up and go too. They walk down the
road to a phone booth. Fry gets in to ring the operator.

Bender:
Fryisnt that a suicide booth?
Fry: No, its a phone booth,
you make phone calls from here
Bender: Weird
Fry: Not as weird
as suicide booths, I nearly got killed on my first day in the future.

Fry
dials the number

Fry:
Hi, Im looking for the number and address for a Mr. Michael Clark.
Uh hu. Right, just tell me all of them then.

He
takes a pen out of his pocket and starts scribbling addresses and
numbers all over his hand

Leela,
Amy and Zoidberg are sat on a bench outside a museum. Amy has found a
costume, she is wearing a pink ballerina outfit. The people walking
past are giving them a few funny looks.

Amy:
This century is weirder than I thought
Leela: Its certainly
different. I really am amazed they got out alive. Its hard to
believe Fry grew up in these times.
Amy: I know what you mean,
sometimes I forget hes not from our time.
Leela: Its like he
fits in so well. Almost like he was meant to be there, like he was
born in the wrong century or something. I cant help wondering how
well Id do if I woke up in the year 4000.
Amy: Maybe Frys
just weird
Leela: I dont like the word weird. I prefer
unique

Fry
is still talking on the phone, but now to someone else

Fry:
OK, thanks anyway. Theres only one left. This had better be him or
I dont know how well find him.
Bender: Go for it

Fry
puts in a coin and dials a number from the scribble on his hand,
waits while it rings and finally speaks.

Fry:
Hi. Im looking for Mike Clark. No, why would I need an appointment
to talk to someone on the phone for 2 minutes. Fry, Philip Fry, Im
an old friend of his from school and I REALLY need to talk to him.
Right. (to Bender) his secretary put me on hold, and theyre
playing really bad music at me.

Fry
waits for a few more seconds

Fry:
Hi. What? Did you tell him who I was? Try again then. You told him
how urgent it was? Fine. He wouldnt even talk to me
Bender: Oh
well. Lets go do something else.
Fry: No, weve got to do this.
Ive got an idea, you go find a post office and get a stamp and an
envelope. Ill write him a note, then its up to him whether he
reads it.

Fry
gives Bender some money and Bender wonders off. Fry scribbles
something on a scrap of paper he finds in his pocket.

Later
the gang meet up back at the fast food joint. It looks like Jimmy
isnt there anymore, or he isnt talking to Fry if he is.
Everyone is eating again.

Leela:
So you told Mike?
Bender: Yep. Dont know if hell believe us,
but we told him
Leela: what did he say?
Fry: Oh, probably
something like thanks for the info, I dont believe you.
Leela:
Probably?
Bender: Definitely. Thats what he said.
Fry: So, I
think we should get to the party about 10. Shall we go to a bar till
then?
Bender: Sounds good
Leela: Well have to be careful,
were running out of the counterfeit 21st century money the
professor gave us.
Fry: Weve got nearly a hundred left
Leela:
52 dollars isnt nearly a hundred
Fry: it is to me.
Bender:
If we run out well just steal some, crime was very popular in the
21st century, no one will notice.
Fry: Yeah, or we could go trick
or treating.

Everyone
gives him a funny look

Fry:
Or not. Lets go anyway

They
all get up and leave

Later
at the party Fry is chatting to a girl dressed as an alien.

Fry:
You know, Im from the future.
Girl: Really? Im from outer
space
Fry: Ive seen real aliens, they dont look anything
like you though, youre much prettier.
Girl: Okay.
Fry:
Theres aliens here too. See that guy, hes an alien

He
points at Zoidberg.

Girl:
Thats great, Ive got to go now.

She
walks out the door. Fry shrugs and wonders off. Outside, the girl
presses a fake looking Star Trek style communicator badge.

Girl:
Beam me back up, this planet is full of crazy people

She
disappears.

Leela
and Amy are stood near the door talking to each other, both holding
weird looking cocktails. A guy at the other side of the room looks at
Leela and smiles. She smiles back and Amy watches jealously.

Leela:
Yknow, this century isnt half as bad as I thought it would
be.
Amy: Well I think its stupid. Whats the point of all
this dressing up anyway?
Leela: Its just to have a bit of fun.
It was a good idea of Frys to come to this date. Amy: Probably the
only good idea hes ever had.

They
both laugh. Leela looks up at the guy that smiled at her, hes
standing next to someone in a costume that looks a bit like Kif.

Amy:
Maybe this century isnt as bad as I thought.

They
both make their way over to they guys, but just as they are about to
speak to them, a girl screams and Fry and Bender rush across the
room, grabbing them and dragging them outside. Zoidberg runs after
them, waving his arms around in a panic

Leela
(angry) What did you do that for?
Fry: Bender frightened a girl,
we thought wed better get going
Bender: It wasnt my fault. I
was just talking to a nice robot girl, she asked what I looked like
under my mask, so I took it off and she passed out.
Fry: She
probably wasnt expecting you to be a robot. She was a human in a
costume
Bender: (horrified) I was chatting up a human?!
Leela:
I think weve had about all the fun the 21st century has to offer,
maybe we should be getting home.
Amy: But what about those cute
guys at the party
Leela: Amy! What about Kif?
Amy: What? He
hasnt even been born yet.
Leela: Weve done what we came here
to do, pretty soon Halloweens going to be over anyway, we might as
well leave.
Fry: (disappointed) But theres loads more I wanted
to show you.
Zoidberg: Like what?
Fry: This other McDonalds,
and the place I used to work at, and loads of other bars
Leela:
Come on.

She
starts walking off back to where they parked the time machine. The
others hesitate but then follow her, except for Bender

Bender:
Wait, I like the bit about loads of other bars

Bender
realises the others arent listening and follows them

Back
at the time machine, Leela presses the button on the remote control
and it reappears. They all walk in except for Fry who lingers at the
door looking out at the city.

Leela:
Fry?
Fry: Im coming. You know, I know you guys dont think
much to this century, but its my home, I know it hasnt got all
the technology and aliens and robots of the 31st century, but its
a pretty great place.

At
the end to the ally a man runs past, followed by two other men
shooting at him. Fry ends his nostalgia trip pretty quickly and dives
into the time machine. It fades away like it did before. It reappears
in the year 3000. Everything looks exactly how it did when they left,
except Mikes head looks younger, about 25-30. The door opens and
they all stagger out. Fry looks at Mike, puzzled.

Fry:
Hey, whats going on?
Mike: You didnt change anything! Im
still a head in a jar!
Fry: Yeah, but when we left you were an old
guy
Hermes: No he wasnt!
Leela: Something very strange it
going on here. Mike, what did you ask Fry to do in the past?
Mike:
To find the guy who wrote me this stupid note and stop him.

On
the table next to Mike is a note. Leela picks it up and reads out
loud

Leela:
Dear Mike, whatever you do dont get your head pickled or youll
be really bored by the year 3000, from F&B
Fry: Hey! Thats
the note I just wrote!
Mike: What? But I sent you back to make
sure I didnt get that note. That note is what tipped me off about
it being possible to preserve your head. As soon as I knew that, I
got it done immediately.
PF: Oh dear, it seems that in the
original timeline you sent Fry back to make sure you never became a
head in a jar, and in order to do that, he wrote you that note,
meaning that in this time line you sent him back to stop the note
form reaching you without knowing that he was the one that actually
wrote it.
Fry: Im very confused
PF: Basically it means that
Mike was supposed to become a head in a jar. Theres nothing we can
do to stop it, so when you tried, you just made it happen
sooner.
Bender: I dont get it
PF: Fry caused the very thing
he was trying to prevent
Bender: So me might as well take Shorty
here back to the head museum?
PF: Yes, I suppose so

Fry
picks up Mike and carries him off. Bender goes with him.

Mike:
Wait! Why dont I stay here? We could be friends again, like at
school.
Fry: But we werent friends at school, and when I tried
to call you in the past you wouldnt even talk to me. Thats why
I wrote you that stupid note.
Mike: But we could be friends
now
Fry: Nah, Ive already got plenty. But I tell you what, Ill
put you on another shelf with some more interesting heads
Mike:
But
Bender: Shut it Shorty. Frys got all the friends he
needs.

Fry
puts Mikes head on a random shelf at the museum, then walks off
without realising that the shelf if labelled, Worlds most
boring heads and walks off. Bender does notice and snickers to
himself.

At
Planet Express, everyone else is sitting around. Amy is still wearing
her ballerina outfit.

Amy:
So it was all a big waste of time.
Leela: Not really, we arrived
back here at the same time we left, so we didnt actually lose any
time.
Amy: No, I was talking about all that getting ready for the
party, finding this costume. We didnt even get to say hello to
those guys before Bender messed it all up.
PF: Still, at least
weve still got the time machine
Amy: (brightening) Yeah, we
could go back and try again
PF: Yes, this will make me famous

Fry
and Bender walk in.

Fry:
Do you guys want to go back to the past? We could go to the moon
before it became a theme park.
Leela: Are you still bothered about
that?
Fry: No, but since you left me behind when you went on the
new ride
Bender: I know, lest go back a few days and make sure
we get here on time to go
PF: Oh no, that would cause a temporal
discrepancy. Fry found Mike and his time machine plan while everyone
else was on the moon without him.

Fry
looks disappointed

PF:
Famous, world famous, universe famous. Ill be rich

PF
pats the time machine affectionately and with a horrible creaking
noise, it collapses into a pile of junk on the floor.

PF:
Oh dear, I thought it might do that. Thats why I didnt want to
get inside it. I said time travel was dangerous.

Fry,
Leela, Amy and Zoidberg look horrified, Bender just laughs

End