Futurama Porno Story: Rush Moon Chapter 28
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All authors that wish to resume a fiction after exceeding this update time are required to submit a form PU-5487z-A providing background information to readers who may have forgotten key details of the story, thus relieving them of need of reading story again.
FORM PU-5487z-A
Story title: Rush Moon
Estimated reading time for Parts I and II
Robot (sober): 1.5 microseconds
Robot (Bending Unit, drunk): 5.6 microseconds
Average carbon-based life form: 30 minutes
Homo sapiens: 2.5 hours
Cast of Characters:
Philip J. Fry
Turanga Leela
Bender Rodriguez
Amy Wong
John Zoidberg
Hubert Farnsworth
Timeline of plot:
Between the end of the TV series and before BBS.
Plot summary to date (200 words max):
Fry wakes up in a dumpster, stumbles into Planet Express, and learns he has been missing for one year, with no memory of the past year. At Leelas insistence he is then fired from Planet Express. Confused and alone, Fry has dreams that suggest he should find his holophoner for answers, leading him to try to break into Leelas apartment. There he learns of the existence of Leelas new boyfriend, Gary, and of the terrible things Fry has done to Leela that fanned her hatred of him. Fry refuses to believe what Leela accuses him of having done, and gets suspicious that something strange is going on. The good news is that Fry, for once, is rightthere is something strange going on. The bad news is that what is really going on is really, really bad. He has currently barely escaped Earth on the PE Ship with Bender, Zoidberg, Scruffy, and 2.7 billion in cash taken from an accidental bank robbery (dont ask, read the story!). Bounty hunters from across the universe are arriving to hunt them down, including their newest members, Leela and Amy, with undercover names Lola and Faye.
Study questions for Oprahbot Binary Book Club:
(1) What happened to the second holophoner, Frys gift to Leela?
(2) Is Eureka real or not? If she is not, why are there IV tubes and a holomem in her closet?
(3) Why did the bald man at the bank help Fry and Bender escape, and why did he secretly tuck a wallet with pictures into Frys pocket? Why is it puzzling that he would he be puzzled by Frys puzzlement?
(4) Why is Gary so gosh darn likable?
(5) Why is the holophoner important? What would the Earthican psychoanalyst Freud interpret the holophoner as looking like?
(6) What did Fry see in his dreams that surprised him, when he finally faced down the Them?
END FORM PU-5487z-A
RUSH MOON
Part III–Run, Lola, Run!
Leela strode into the Planet Express building through the gaping hole that had, at least this morning, once been the main entrance to Planet Express. She flashed her Planet Express ID at Smitty, who had been guarding the entrance, restricting entry. She hadnt even known Planet Express had IDs until Hermes had hastily passed them out this afternoon to allow them access past the police force fields. Apparently past employee turnover (i.e. deaths) had traditionally been so high that Hermes had never bothered handing them out to the crew.
Funny, Smitty had barely glanced at her, but had stared ahead- as if in a daze- as he flicked off the barrier in front of the hole. Well, he isnt much in the brains department, is he? Still, it was funny how he hadnt even turned his head to look at her walk in–
Faye, have the packages arrived yet?
Amy, who had been hunched in front of a large computer bank, jerked back, startled, as Leela barged onto the conference balcony. Mounds of debris had been hastily brushed to the side, clearing a rough path across the floor. Faintly, from the open hole that led into the Professors laboratory, the piped voice of Linda the TV anchorwoman settled over the hangar, which was completely dark except for the ring of light surrounding Amy.
Gleesh, Leela! You asked ten minutes ago, and the answer is still no!
Faye, call me Lola now. We need to practice using our new names so we dont accidentally give away our true names in the field. OK– Faye?
Fine, Lo-la. The answer is still no. But Ive got everything else loaded into the Beta Romeo. Even that heavy package that the Professor gave you, which you really shouldve done yourself. I mean, I broke a nail shoving that thing in the trunk. What is that thing anyway? And where were you?
Lindas voice droned away:
To recap our top story, there is still no trace of the two bold criminals who robbed the First Apple Bank this morning, stealing over $2 billion in cash from Moms Friendly Robot Corps payroll. After fleeing to a small delivery service company, the thieves, Philip J Fry and Bender B Rodriguez, destroyed much of the building and hijacked a ship, taking themselves and possibly some hostages to whereabouts unknown. At present there are numerous injuries, but unfortunately- erm, I mean, fortunately- no deaths. Lets report live now from Taco Bellvue Hospital, where the Mayors aide Chaz Smythe III, Jr. has just been confirmed as being not dead yet.
I said a quick goodbye to Gary, Leela replied, hoping Amy wouldnt follow up on the Professors package.
For a moment Leela didnt recognize the expression that appeared on Amys face. It was so familiar though. Why? Then she realized she had seen that same expression in a mirror many times. Usually when Fry or Bender had been around. It was a you-mean-I-was-working-my-hindquarters-off-and-youve-been-doing-WHAT? expression that didnt which fit the casual slacker attitude that characterized all things Amy Wong.
Linda, this is Norris the Neutral, reporting from a building called the Bellvue Hospital. I have been told that the human Chaz Smythe will not die, but I have not seen the entity myself. I have seen no evidence to suggest otherwise, but I have seen no evidence to suggest he is alive either, other than this statement from a human I do not know-
Thank you Norris-
Youve been partying with Gary all this time?
Feeling somewhat sheepish, Leela found herself saying, Well, he is taking care of Nibbler for me, so I had to settle all that-
Um-huh. The intern grunted in a way that all male mammals within parsecs would have found cute, but somehow managed to raise Leelas hackles instead. I almost prefer when she was being awkward around me, when she knew that she had kissed Fry behind my back–
A slight headache at that moment stopped any comeback Leela might have been able to summon, and as she rubbed her temple Amy continued.
I havent even been able to raise Kiffie, even though the Nimbus should be in our Solar System by now.
Well that explains part of itshes looking forward to maybe seeing Kif during our little bounty hunt. I sure hope not, because were theres Kif theres-
Zapp Brannigan.
Leela gave a little start as Lindas voice wafted the name of her second greatest-mistake across the hangar.
The multiply-decorated DOOP hero is currently heading here to patrol all starways heading out of the Earthican system. And hes not alone. Bounty hunters from across the galaxy are converging into the Earthican system, already leading to a jump in sales of alcohol, weaponry, and souvenir Hardly-Davidson t-shirts, extra-extra large. No comment yet from MomCorp, either about the robbery or the mysterious reward anonymously offered for the live capture of the fugitives.
Not for the first time today, Leela suddenly felt disconnected from herself. She used to hate Zapp Brannigan more than anyone else in the Universe. But now he had a competitor. Someone she never would have imagined just a couple of years ago. Philip J. Fry, her enemy?
Even as she thought the words a wave of anger flooded her feelings and she reflexively clenched her fists and clamped down her jaw. Amy, misinterpreting these signs, hurriedly said, Ive been killing a little time looking at the Guild website-
Leela turned to stare at images of grim-looking individuals filled the PE computer screens as exploded views of spacecraft and weaponry rotated in the background. Wait a momentwasnt that Morbo up there?
Anything interesting? Besides Morbo?
Some of these bounty hunters seem really nasty, Amy replied. Im starting to get a little worried that were going to scratch my car. She glanced anxiously over the balcony railing toward her Beta Romeo, squatting in the middle of a PE Ship-shaped crater of debris in the middle of the hangar, like a nervous gerbil trying not to be noticed by circling hawks. Im thinking of asking my parents for their Bugallac instead. At least it has a gun mounted next to the cruise control.
No time. Were just waiting for our taguns, and then were off. If we leave soon, we might be able to avoid all these clowns–your little car is pretty unobtrusive. And if we find the PE ship right away, we may not even have to fire the gauss gun Ive brought along.
And how are we gonna do that? Find Fry and Bender, I mean? They could be anywhere in the galaxy by now!
A smug little smile settled over Leelas face, a look that had always annoyed the intern to no end. For one thing, that look always led to a LookHowSmartIAmEvenThoughINeverWentToMarsU lecture.
Because we know something everyone else doesnt. The fuel tank of the PE ship was almost empty when they took off. I hadnt cleaned out Nibblers litter box into the main engine yet. So our little pirates had to hide somewhere in the Solar System, and the only place to get dark matter off-world is along the Sqrt(66) starway leading out of the system.
Starway sqrt(66)? Thats where Kiffie told me hes going to be patrolling! He also said theyre putting up spaceblocks along the spaceway. So were just going to wait by there?
No. With the engines you have in that thing-she nodded toward Amys car-wed be lucky to even get onto the starway before the DOOP scoops them up . No, we have to find where they are huddling down around good old Sol, before someone else-.
Hey, anybody in there?
The familiar voice crackled over the consoles speakerphone. Smitty was calling from outside. Guess he wasnt so dazed after all.
Amy glanced at Leela, who nodded. The intern gently prodded her thimble-sized device with her perfectly trimmed fingernail.
Yeah?
There a Faye or Lola Valentine in there? Some clowns from the Bounty Hunters Guild is here with a package for them.
Funny how we now need a delivery service to deliver to our delivery service, Leela mused, as she opened the only functioning doorway to the outside and signed for the package. The harried looking courier strode past an oddly-parked ambulance and vanished into the sea of flashing red lights, no doubt delivering similar packages throughout the sector this evening. No time to lose.
She opened the package while jogging up the stairs and dropped the Guild Taggers on the console in front of Amy.
Wow! Who knew bounty hunter scum had such good taste?
Amy had a point, Leela thought. The small Taggers had a streamlined, elegant look about them that made her feel underdressed in her standard white T-shirt. As both women admired the forms, one of the devices projected an acoustic hologram, a squat, round squishy ball with a squat, round head and two marshmallow-like stubs for legs. Hi, Im your friendly bounty hunter FAQ, introducing you to the exciting and tax-sheltering world of the bounty hunt. Please touch device with appendage to confirm identity.
Glancing at each other, the two women both shrugged, and Leela pressed the purple device, Amy the pink. A second hologram appeared, and two identical figures began to speak, slightly out of synch.
Identity of Lola/Faye confirmed, Guild license #039487+89078i and 8876478+847861j.
Complex identity, Amy whispered.
Shhh.
The FAQ bubbled away adorably. Your registration has been confirmed with the Guild and your hunting privileges activated. Taggers activated. Communicate intended target.
Bender B. Rodriguez and Philip J. Fry, Leela said confidently, although she felt momentarily dizzy as she spoke the words. Shaking her head to clear it, she refocused on the ghostly voice.
–confirmed. Bounty for this target is currently set to NONLETHAL. Please attach tagger to front of chosen weapon.
Currently? thought Leela, as she slid the tagger over her favorite laser pistol, and as Amy awkwardly slid hers over the Bureaucrat4096 gun Hermes had hastily loaned her. (Slices through the paperwork like butta, he had assured her). Currently? A hint of coldness started to congeal in her stomach.
Weapons adjusted to stun. Calibration in progress. Please shoot at a random target.
Leela aimed at the hovertruck still lying forlornly on its side twenty meters behind her. Along with the red aiming mark a new green mark appeared, slightly offset, but as both women watched, the spots merged.
Closing her eye for a moment, Leela had a vision of a filthy, ragged Fry reaching out and touching her boot.
It was in your closet. Last night.
He said it so casually, that stupid confused expression he always wore-
She pulled the trigger, and a wisp of smoke appeared on the side of the vehicle. Simultaneously a small pop emerged from the tagging sleeve, and a fraction of a second later a dart smacked and stuck to the side of the truck.
Shot confirmed. No ID established by tag. Please shoot at a nonessential portion of your anatomy.
Pausing only a moment, she aimed for her injured foot, giving no time for Amy to snark. She felt a slight sting as a mosquito-sized dart embedded into her shin.
Shot confirmed. Hit confirmed, time 22:31:40.6567 Universal Galactic Standard Time. Identify match: Lola. Not on hunter list. Calibration complete. Hit target only with tagged weapon during active search.
So thats how they log who gets the bounty first, huh? Amy said. Kinda like a credit card. Geezlesh, I never thought about it, but I guess in the middle of a big firefight giving credit for a capture would be kinda hard, huh?
Yeah, Leela replied, its probably a pretty common situation. Not much left behind for a disintegrator to confirm. Umm, FAQ? she asked the hologram, uncertainly.
The FAQ, which had been lifting a virtual leg and dropping crapware onto the PE console, snapped back into a pleasant, eager expression of interest. Hmm?
Is there a tagging device for our ships weapons system?
FAQ#3: Validity of earning bounty through destruction of transport vehicle. Since 2843 the Guild has required all bounties to be collected directly by entity. In 2841 a bounty for its Royal Highness Shulgan 1024 of Binno V was claimed after claimant destroyed escape pod from the targets flagship. However, one Earthican cycle later target was discovered singing karaoke in a mud pond on FleshPot IX, causing awkwardness between Guild and long-term client. Thus all bounties must be marked using personal entity weapon, providing absolute proof of target.
Wow, said Amy, so were gonna have to board the ship and tag them directly? Kinda old-fashioned, dont ya think?
Yep, Leela replied, and you know, I kinda like their approach. Amy stared at Leela, catching a gleam in the martial arts experts eye. No easy way out. No lazy shooting from a distance. The hunter has to look the hunted in the face before making the catch. I could get used to this.
Amy had never imagined Leela as anything other than a starship captain with terrible fashion sense. But now, looking at Leela smile down at her tagger, she couldnt help but wonder whether her captain had stumbled into a career better suited for her.
Leela felt a shiver of excitement run down her spine, as she always did when facing a new and likely insurmountable challenge. And yet
And yet something was dulling the edge of her concentration. She felt as if she were bathing in both ice and a hot tub at the same time. She could hear her pulse racing, her body quivering in anticipation of action, but the cold feeling in her gut now also crept up her spine. She was feeling afraid. For herself? No, that wasnt it. For Bender? That must have been it, but it was only a nonlethal bounty, and fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), Bender had proven himself nearly indestructible many times in the pastmust be that 40% dolomite shell.
Was it fear for Fry? But she despised him! And it was simply a stun, not a kill.
So why did the prospect of shooting down her former friend with a dart elicit a faint hiccup of horror?
As Leela wandered through her thoughts, Amy watched the tag disintegrate from her friends singed boot, wishing again that Leela had better color senseas a team, they simply did not color coordinate. Finally, the cyclops stirred and turned to the computer console bank. Well, if we have to find them in person, all the more reason to find them quickly.
And where are they, if not along Sqrt(66)?, Amy asked. Even the Earthican system is pretty big. I remember my sorority Sol crawl taking days. Missed my quantum engine mechanics final. My grade stayed superimposed.
Lecturer Leela emerged full-blown again, as she tapped the computer console, projecting an image of the local solar system.
Lets eliminate locations- she began—
-it cant be Earth itself, because the tachyon residual from the Planet Express Ship indicated an actual jump took place, Walt murmured, waving his hand and causing a red patch to cover Earth on the image floating in front of Mom, Ignar, and Larry. But the magnitude of the residual was weakthey havent gone outside the solar system.
I like Earth, Ignar smiled. Its pretty blue.
Shut up, you idiots. Both of you, snarled Mom, before taking a long pull on her cigarette. This is the best you can do?
Not quite, Mother. Our subsidiaries have been able to cross off Mercury, Venus, and Mars
-leaving the rest of the system to hide in, she growled. With my hard-earned cash. Which someone else is going to grab before me, because someone else doesnt have morons for sons.
I thought you would be happy that someone else is offering a reward to get the money back, Larry said, cautiously. Now you dont have to.
Both Walt and Mom rolled their eyes to the ceiling, an action that Fry would have found familiar, had he been in the room. But he wasnt.
Yeah, this anonymous benefactor is asking for those two morons on the ship, but has said nothing about giving back the money, she hissed. Im sure a bounty hunter is just going to let the money sit there, while he ties up the thieves, right, sonny boy? Larry shrunk down and stared at the floor. In fact, Im sure these anonymous angels are waiting for the money to fall into their laps right now, she said. Unless we find that ship first. Who knows, we might even pick up an extra 2 million Woolong on top of our 2 billion investment. That is, she continued, eyes flashing toward Walt, if my so-called offspring can manage to be slightly less retarded than those retards on the ship.
Walt smiled tightly. As I was saying, Mother, weve crossed off the inner planets, which leaves
-the gas giants, Oort cloud, and asteroid belt, the Neutral bounty hunter said to the assorted alien species gathered around the display, as their vessel slipped into its berth on the Moon. They could try to hide in the upper atmosphere of the gas giant-
-squishy humans? Too much gravity. No way, the hunter from Omnicron V grunted dismissively.
At first glance that is a very reasonable point of view, the Neutral nodded, and cannot be discounted completely. However, they may have a gravity pump, however unlikely. But for the time being, without being disrespectful to that possibility, lets focus our attention on regions where a ship can hide among the clutter of the asteroid belt or places like it-
So how do you pick a tadpole out of a swamp? the Amphibios hunter asked—
Well, boss, we ken look at de usual suspecswarp signature, heat signature, difference in albedo
Yeah, yeah, Im really impressed wid what you know, Mousepad, said Donbot, reclining back in his seat in the Robot Mafias best car. If I had a degree ta offer, Id shove it down your yap-yap right now. So how we gonna find dese clowns in de asteroids or de comets?
And give em de clamps! Clampbot added cheerfully. Why don we ask dis guy, boss, do the robopsycholegy thing? Dats why you hired him to come wid us, right?
All three heads swiveled toward the bending unit smoking casually on the far end of the vehicle. Pulling his cigar out of his mouth, the fourth robot said, Well, I know Bender has wanted to kill all humans for quite some time, kinda as a hobby. I know the feeling. Now that hes free to do so, he probably going to try to find the mythical League of Robots in order to raise an army to destroy Earth. And make some more dough in the processes. He stubbed out his cigar calmly, apparently oblivious to the 60 Hz confusion that suddenly hummed throughout the car.
Nah, just pulling your leg, Flexo continued. You guys are all right. But you know, I worked on that ship once, and it had one of the biggest dark matter engines Id ever seen. For its size, the ship should have a pretty strong gravitational signature-
–so if the ship is really hiding in the middle of a bunch of same-size objects, the only possibility left, then its relatively strong gravitational field is going to affect the orbits and motions of everything around it.
Zapp Brannigan– Captain Extraordinaire, Hero of the DOOP Fleet, Conqueror of Invalid XII, Splash Photo Cover for EarthSquire Magazine–picked his nose, made a manly wipe underneath the arm of his chair, then looked confused. Lieutenant Kif Kroker repressed a sigh.
Stop speaking this prissy scientific nonsense, Kif. Give it to me straight, like a manly punch. Just not too hard, please.
Kif glanced at the main viewscreen of the Nimbus, watching the starway traffic of Sqrt(66) swarm by in the distance, and swallowed another emerging sigh. The ships inertial mass is different than its gravitational mass, so the movements of nearby objects are going to be strange. If we link into the DOOP near-Earth defense scanning system and monitor the Doppler shifts of all moving objects in the asteroids, outer planets, and Oort cloud, we should be able to flag unusual orbits or rotations
You punch like a woman, Kif. Give it to me in terms a man of action like me will understand. Whats this inertial mass youre talking about?
Kif pondered, then closed his eyes in despair, while forcing out the words.
Big boobies shake more slowly.
Ahhhh, Zapp said, leaning back, nodding sagely behind tented fingers. So if the cleavage is heaving the wrong way, we know she has implants-